This is real, this is me

Inner Struggle

After two years at BYU I was done. I had no direction and was floundering in all my classes. Maybe I needed a change? I talked with my mother and I decided to leave BYU and try cosmetology school for a while. That was the plan. After the general conference in which the prophet changed the age that missionaries could leave, I was unchanged. I had a plan and I never had the plan to be a missionary. The next day my mom called me excited and asked me to think it over and pray about it. I angrily told her I would. I gave my desires to God that night in prayer and cried when I received the answer to go on a mission. It was a good thing and so many of my friends were so excited. What was wrong with me? Was I a bad person? I started my mission papers and received my call. I kept having this struggle in my mind. It was what I was supposed to do, there was no doubt, but I had yet to really want to do it myself. Those 5 months before I left were the hardest in my life.

Scripture

During my mission I struggled everyday to lose myself in the work as I was sick and sad often. One particularly hard day I was sitting in sacrament meeting and I was not only sick physically but my heart broke. I watched people that did not take this meeting seriously. The people left and got up after the sacrament. Children screamed and ran around. Everyone was disrespecting the speaker and no one was listening. The task was so impossible. How could we change anything? There was just two of us. I wanted to leave too eventually because I wanted to go cry. I opened up my Book of Mormon and read Nephi’s psalm. I read “ I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness.” At no other time has this scripture brought my so much comfort. I read over and over the words. He would be my support and I knew in whom I trusted.

Wilderness Quest

 Just the other day I walked home from taking a test at the testing center. I was worn out from studying and just wanted to forget the whole thing. I was also wearing new shoes so my feet hurt from blisters. I needed a break, if only to rest   It was not really a religious time but more of a moment of peace. Peace that all would be resolved.  Without the distraction of roommates, homework, tv or laundry I was able to reflect on nature.  I have loved squirrels for a while and they are my favorite animal. It was almost like God was giving me a gift. In that moment, He knew that I needed a sign that He was there. 

my feet. Usually I just walk straight home but that day I took some time to stop. Over by the duck pond there are benches so I sat down and took a moment. I watched a squirrel and spied on the family taking family photos below me. They seemed happy but ready to be done for sure. I took my shoes off and glanced around me. Life seemed so much simpler here.