I can remember the day as clearly as if it were yesterday. It was December 21, 2000 and it was around 8pm when my dad finally came to pick us up from my aunt's house. This was a strange occurrence because my mom always picked us up during winter break. I remember getting into the car and there was a different emotion that I couldn't figure out. As we were driving home my dad tried to make small talk with us but it wasn't working. I knew there was something going on that he hadn't told us. About 5 minutes into our drive home, my dad finally told us what happened. My grandpa passed away that morning. When he told us, my heart broke. I didn't hear anything else that was coming out of his mouth because I was in utter and complete shock. This couldn't have happened. I just saw him two days ago and he seemed fine. How could this have happened? Immediately, my 8 year old eyes started watering and I couldn't control it. I exploded into a fountain of tears and uncontrollable emotion. All that was running through my mind was what my grandpa would always say to me, "Alyssa, I can't wait until you turn 10 because then you'll be double digits." How could he miss it by two years? How could this happen? Why would Heavenly Father let this happen? My world crumbled that day and things have never been the same.
Scripture, Personal, and Powerful
The day was like any other day on the mission. I was with my hardest companion and we were getting ready for personal study. I remember praying that morning to know how I can help her or what I need to do to make this companionship work. Almost immediately, I opened up the scriptures to where I was reading for that day. It was Mosiah 23. The verse popped out at me and just about smacked me upside the head. It was verse 21, "Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith." Could the Lord be trying my patience and faith? How can I gain more patience? Questions swarmed through my head as I continued to ponder this verse over and over again until I realized I had been rereading it for almost 30 minutes now. I decided to write down my thoughts and continue on with my studies. But no matter how much I tried to move on, I kept coming back to that verse and this one question. Do I have enough faith in the Lord to make this companionship work?
A Wilderness Quest
I realized that I needed more in my life besides school and work. I needed to be more spiritually invested in my life. I was talking to my best friend about this and she suggested we start going to the temple together every week. Okay, I thought. I could do this. This is possible and even though I don't have a car, I can walk. It's not that far. So the journey began. Every Tuesday, I would walk to the Provo Temple, participate in temple ordinances, and walk home. This repeated habit continued for the rest of the semester. I started to notice a difference in my life. Little by little was becoming a happier person. I still had some bad days, but overall I was more pleasant. By the end of the semester, I realized what had happened. I had come to know God more. I had been going to His house every week. Not only was I performing ordinances for others, but I was doing it for myself as well. I had continued to invest in this great spirituality so much that I had been preparing myself to receive the ultimate test of faith. I was going on a mission.
My grandpa passed away suddenly as well when I was nine. It was a mess of emotions. I didn't truly understand the impact of it and how much I was going to miss him. This was the first time I had experience a death that was close to me. It made the others that I experienced later in my life both harder in some ways and easier in others.
ReplyDeleteYou shared a great inner struggle story. I loved this because it was personally relatable to so many people, which creates empathy and ethos. Also because of your description and imagery--I felt like I was in the car with you, hearing the voice of your dad or feeling that exact emotion.
ReplyDelete