How Struggles Have Shaped My Life for the Better

Inner Struggle

I can remember struggling to find motivation to get up some days.  The other missionaries would seem so happy, so driven with purpose.  Every morning waking up with the sun (which seemed so horribly early to me) just added to my stress.  I had never before experienced something so difficult.  I felt like I was standing in quicksand, sinking further and further every day.  I couldn’t understand the difficult companions I had to serve with, or why my mission president (or the Lord for that matter) decided to put them with me.  I can remember thinking “Is it me?  Am I the one causing all of these problems?”  I would keep my frustration to myself because of this thinking, because I was afraid that I was the root of the problems I was having, since I hadn’t experienced being with a companion I got along with yet.  I can remember waking up in a sweat in the mornings; I can also remember being pale with fear throughout each day.  I had never been so stressed in my life.  I felt like the world was crumbling in an earthquake and thunderstorm all around me, and yet everyone else seemed to be so obvious to the destruction that threatened to consume everything.

Scripture, Personal and Powerful

In James 2:17-26, I found some of the most influential verses of scripture in my life.  Honestly, these verses are some of the most profound, influential, and important advice I have ever received.  In these verses the Apostle James speaks of faith and works, and how the two go together.  In verse 17, it reads “Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.”  After reading this section, I felt like I truly understood faith for the first time.  Faith is not just simply believing in something (although that’s a very important part of it), but it’s also acting.  I learned, finally, that the reason that I was struggling in certain areas of my life and not getting help from God was because I wasn’t doing my part; I wasn’t acting.  I was simply praying and asking God to help me with everything, basically to do everything for me, without any effort on my part.  These verses had such a profound impact on me that I still think about them often, and I live my life by them now.  Things that I struggled with before can still be struggles sometimes, but I have been able to get through some of them and to persevere with my understanding of faith and how it combines with works.

A Wilderness Quest

I can remember the day I was asked by my brother to read the Book of Mormon.  It was a Mothers’ Day, and my brother was on his mission at the time.  He of course had the usual missionary phone call home, and he spoke with all of us together and individually.  I honestly don’t remember anything he spoke with me about except for when he encouraged me to read the Book of Mormon.  Up until that point I hadn’t really cared or thought about it.  I felt like I believed in the church just because and that was fine with me.  I didn’t really realize that I needed to know for myself if the church was true or not.  Whatever the case, I took my brother up on it.  I can still remember how much better the following school year was for me.  I felt like I was connecting with the Book of Mormon, and the counsel contained in it seemed like it was just for me.  As I am able to reflect on my life now (and I think I even realized this then), the Book of Mormon really saved my life, at least spiritually.  The previous school year I had been going downhill fast.  My life was not where I wanted it to be, and my time on the football team had been especially difficult.  I was really struggling.  The Book of Mormon helped me to understand my life and circumstances better, and it saved me from simply giving up or allowing myself to not care.  My relationships improved and my overall happiness increased.