Tuesday, October 28, 2014

A Bald Mans Worst Nightmare

I am bald. My hair line started receding at the ripe old age of 17 and continued falling out until there was nothing left at the age of 22. Since I have grown accustomed to no longer having hair I have also grown accustomed to the absence of little strands of hair in my personal space, especially my food. This became a problem when my sister in-law moved in with us for the summer. 

Kimber is a hair dresser and as you would expect is always sporting the latest updo, melt, wave or braid. Now don’t get me wrong, she has very beautiful hair. It is the kind that glistens in the sun and looks as if it should be spotlighted in an Herbal Essences commercial but because of her profession she doesn't seem to recognize the beauty of being bald.
I was excited for her to move in. We grew up in the same neighborhood and have known each other since the 5th grade, but that excitement ended the first night she decided to cut a “girlfriends” hair in our kitchen, right above the air vent. It seems that as she was chatting away with her friends doing “a little trim” the air conditioner turned on and blew strands of hair all over the kitchen.

Now I am a pretty easy going guy but when my wife makes me a tatter tot casserole for dinner and the first bite I take is accompanied by a long, black hair whose genetic code has no relation to any of the residence in my home, I go a little crazy. Once I pulled the long, greasy strand out of the once tasty meal in my mouth, I looked at my sister in-law and said “whose is this?” and she replied “oh… you know… just a friend’s!” and then went back to her meal as if there was no problem. I then replied “since I am such a nice guy I am going to let this slide, but please clean up all the hair when you are done cutting it” to which she rolled her eyes and said “yea, yea!”

The next day I had all but forgotten about the previous evening’s event and decided to make a sandwich for lunch. I took a huge bite and started to chew until I felt something foreign rolling around my mouth with the lettuce and turkey. I stuck my fingers in and pulled out another long, black piece of hair to which I rolled my eyes and thought “this is going to be a long, long summer.”


  1. That is absolutely disgusting, especially about other people's hair! My roommates hair is like that, I find it EVERYWHERE. And since she is the only blonde in our apartment, I know where it comes from. I know it's disgusting, but I couldn't help but laugh because I feel your pain.

  2. I am reminded of my mission and multiple haircuts in the kitchen. Even the bathroom that is a good place to do a hair cut is still nasty. Leave it to a bunch of missionaries to think they are the next great barber and they leave hair everywhere. As if we just assume that it will clean itself up. All that hair in your kitchen almost implies a mess so big it is almost impossible to conquer.