Finding and Claiming Myself

Internal Struggle:

            It had to be today; it could go on no longer. I had been carrying the burden for far too long. As I sat at my study desk, blankly staring at my scriptures, I had made the decision so many times in the past. But I would always take a hit off the intellectual drug called rationalization right after, and my decision would slowly dissipate away from me: but not this time. It couldn’t get away from me this time; I needed a release from the load I was carrying. Though I was determined to stubbornly carry it, falsely assuming in my own strength and willpower, I was cracking and breaking down. I left the room and took the phone with me. I nervously paced the living room trying to work up the slightest bit of courage to go through with it. It was the fear of the unknown that paralyzed me and put fear into my soul. I would dial the number, and then quickly hang up, praying to God to give me the strength to just go through with it. I couldn’t go a day further with this poison in my soul. I dialed once again, this time with the strength to let it ring a couple of times, and then he picked up.

Scripture:

I seek daily reminders to help me in my struggles throughout life. They can come from all sorts of people and in all sorts of forms, but the most impactful come from the one who is always watching over me. Helaman 7:16-20 is just one of those examples of his watchful care over me. How could I ever let myself give any power to the one who is seeking to hurl my soul down into the bitterness of Hell? How could I ever forget my great and merciful God in the day that he saved me? These questions I must ask myself when I see myself stray and stumble. Because it’s so frustrating of how clear and cut it is and how stupid I can be at times, knowing the things I do. His answer is always the same “repent ye, repent ye! Why will ye die? Turn ye, turn ye unto the Lord your God”. Step by step, I try to better myself and become something more, trying everyday to never forget my God.

Wilderness Quest:

            “Well we got nothing until the night, wanna try to walk to Mundial?” This statement would lead to the next 4-5 hours of walking uphill in the dust, not even coming close to the intended place we wanted to get too. What this walk was truly accomplishing was nothing for the work, but trying to find my footing once again in this area. I was once again struggling as the area was collapsing around me, and I needed God’s help. Every step and every breath seemed like a waste of time as we climbed and climbed.  I felt like a failure, the leader turning to a useless hill climb to kill time masquerading as an activity that would help our area. Though I felt like I was failing, I was also feeling peace and comfort with each step we made. The reassuring trust of my God that I was doing my best and that was good enough for him. As we made that long and dusty hike in the hot African sun, I was trying to find myself again, as well as seek out the help of my God. But in reality I didn’t find God, but God found me out on that hill.