Do Not Procrastinate

1  In my lap: my scriptures, opened to Alma chapter 34. Next to me: my missionary companion, Elder Gregg. Across from me: the 70 year-old non-member husband of an active LDS church member, Jim. Listening, to the side, is Jim's wife, and another church member who accompanied us. My companion soldiers on, asking Jim some probing questions about baptism. We had previously been discussing baptism and how it's necessary for salvation. He disagreed, feeling that he had already been doing pretty well in life saw no need to do change anything about it now. This prompted Alma 34.

" I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed."

This made logical sense. He doesn't think he needs to repent and change, and here's a scripture saying just the opposite. If I'm being prompted by the Spirit, and I share it with the Spirit, this just might be what he needs. So why aren't I sharing it? I see Jim looking back at us. 70 years of experience to my 21. 70 years of hard work, heartache, joy, accomplishment--he had fathered and grandfathered a wonderful family, whose pictures were displayed all around us. 70 years of making good decisions and seeing the fruits of them. Who am I to tell him he must change? Something's holding me back. Jim was a stubborn man. In our last visit his wife told him his baptism was nothing but a warm bath. He didn't take that too well. I don't imagine he'll respond any better to being told he's about to die and should probably consider making some changes. Maybe the Spirit's telling me now that I shouldn't share that scripture?

My companion notices my scriptures open and gives me a look, as if to say "you have something to share?"

I don't.

I close my scriptures.

I'll never know what would've happened had I shared it. Maybe nothing. Maybe he would've just brushed it off. Maybe he would've felt it was true. I don't know. But something about it didn't feel right that time, and that's all I can conclude it with.

2  The Savior said it best:

"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Up until that moment I hadn't considered what this scripture should mean for me. Up until that point I could talk your ear off when it came to film or sports. I was passionate about those things. I had just talked at length to a nice lady about both of those things, based on her similar passion for them.

But faith? Repentance? I couldn't give nearly as much lip service to them as anything else I had said that day. For so long I had let the church become less than a passion. I did not treasure it the same way I did sports and film. I should be able to speak volumes about gospel topics and what they've meant to me. But I couldn't, and he knew that. That's why he shared that scripture.

Since then I've tried all I can to treasure the gospel and put my heart into it--to make it a passion. I've been rewarded immensely, seeing the blessings of my increased devotion on a daily basis. He shared the scripture that I needed to hear, but the Savior said it best.

3  Understandably nervous and perhaps a little anxious, I got on my knees and gave my first personal prayer in nearly 6 years. I was done trying to get by with what I had reasoned in my head. I was done telling people I was over the church without having actually tried to find out if it was true. I had denied God's existence in my head over and over yet I had never tried to actually prove it. So there I knelt, immature in my experience with prayer, throwing up a white flag and hoping for answer.

I can best describe what I felt by saying that there was nowhere else on Earth I would rather be than right there at the foot of my bed. I knew, almost without prompt, that I should've done that a long time ago. I had spent so much effort pushing Him out but I had never let Him in. I still wasn't sure if the LDS church was true--that would come much later. But I at least knew it was good. Good to me, good to my family, good to millions of others. There was something there in the LDS church that couldn't be ignored. Starting from that moment, I needed to find it.

Finding and Claiming Myself

Internal Struggle:

            It had to be today; it could go on no longer. I had been carrying the burden for far too long. As I sat at my study desk, blankly staring at my scriptures, I had made the decision so many times in the past. But I would always take a hit off the intellectual drug called rationalization right after, and my decision would slowly dissipate away from me: but not this time. It couldn’t get away from me this time; I needed a release from the load I was carrying. Though I was determined to stubbornly carry it, falsely assuming in my own strength and willpower, I was cracking and breaking down. I left the room and took the phone with me. I nervously paced the living room trying to work up the slightest bit of courage to go through with it. It was the fear of the unknown that paralyzed me and put fear into my soul. I would dial the number, and then quickly hang up, praying to God to give me the strength to just go through with it. I couldn’t go a day further with this poison in my soul. I dialed once again, this time with the strength to let it ring a couple of times, and then he picked up.

Scripture:

I seek daily reminders to help me in my struggles throughout life. They can come from all sorts of people and in all sorts of forms, but the most impactful come from the one who is always watching over me. Helaman 7:16-20 is just one of those examples of his watchful care over me. How could I ever let myself give any power to the one who is seeking to hurl my soul down into the bitterness of Hell? How could I ever forget my great and merciful God in the day that he saved me? These questions I must ask myself when I see myself stray and stumble. Because it’s so frustrating of how clear and cut it is and how stupid I can be at times, knowing the things I do. His answer is always the same “repent ye, repent ye! Why will ye die? Turn ye, turn ye unto the Lord your God”. Step by step, I try to better myself and become something more, trying everyday to never forget my God.

Wilderness Quest:

            “Well we got nothing until the night, wanna try to walk to Mundial?” This statement would lead to the next 4-5 hours of walking uphill in the dust, not even coming close to the intended place we wanted to get too. What this walk was truly accomplishing was nothing for the work, but trying to find my footing once again in this area. I was once again struggling as the area was collapsing around me, and I needed God’s help. Every step and every breath seemed like a waste of time as we climbed and climbed.  I felt like a failure, the leader turning to a useless hill climb to kill time masquerading as an activity that would help our area. Though I felt like I was failing, I was also feeling peace and comfort with each step we made. The reassuring trust of my God that I was doing my best and that was good enough for him. As we made that long and dusty hike in the hot African sun, I was trying to find myself again, as well as seek out the help of my God. But in reality I didn’t find God, but God found me out on that hill.