I had a really close friend my last year of high school and we went through a lot of ups and downs together. Once I came to BYU, we slowly drifted apart due to distance, disagreements and such. Yet, in the past few months I have tried really hard to reconnect. For the past few years my friend has struggled with the church, girls, family, etc. and I have felt impressed to offer my support lately.
He will soon be starting school and often asks me about my classes. This weekend I told him about this class, Latter Day Saint literature, and asked if he would read my essay and offer some feedback. I asked him to consider these aspects:
- what did you like/dislike about the story?
- What did you like/dislike about the writing?
- What are some suggestions to make this essay better?
- Did the religious aspect seem out of place, abrupt or not thoroughly explained
I loved the humor throughout, it definitely kept me interested. Your voice comes through and I liked the imagery you used (the Egyptian princess was especially good). I thought it flowed well and the story really supported your main pointHis suggestions:
I think there is a better way to end your entry than "Another girl lied down on the dirt path and began picking her headstone". I think this particular quote could have place somewhere else in the body of your essay but I think right at the end kind of takes away from your point sort of muddling the closing.
As for "Maybe I am overreacting but that's how it felt at the time", it seems like an unnecessary addition. I feel like you sold the agony of the hike so well and with such good imagery, if you say something like that its like your admitting you are not sold on how tough it was yourself. You have to own it.He has never like writing and I remember editing some of his English papers in high school. I enjoyed seeing how the roles reversed and hearing the great advice he had to offer. The suggestions he gave wouldn't have crossed my mind. I thought my ending was clever and didn't realize how it might detract from the essay. I thought my line about overreacting added to the humor but rather it seemed to have taken away from my experience. Overall, this was a good building block for my ability to share with others and also a good building block for a friendship being rekindled.