Wednesday, February 4, 2015

An Epistle Unto Mine Roommates Concerning General Cleanliness

After reading Tell Me Who I Am, the essay that stuck with me the most was "An Epistle to the Roamin'(s)." The clever use of Biblical language to talk about a frustrating event with Handy's children was very comical. I chose to do the same with my imitation, but talking about my roommates and our inability to follow simple house rules. 

Brethren, blessed be thy names for the patience which thou hast shown unto me, the least of these, thy roommates.

And on this day, in spite of all of these, our many differences and afflictions, let us be renewed in our dedication to follow but a few simple rules of thine home, which is mine home as well.

For it is the evil one that enticeth thee to leave out thy utensils in half eaten bowls of Strawberry Special K, that girlest of cereals.

It is that evil one who tempteth thee to leave thy lights on as thou steppest out into the world, rendering thy bill of electricity twain.

It is that evil one who telleth thee, “Behold, this milk stinketh not, and thou shalt use it to my own bidding, regardless of previous ownership.”

Yea, it is that same evil one that beckoneth thee to take thy roommates girlfriend of old on excursions of romantic nature to Fat Cats with the intent to drag her into thy grasp eternally, in spite of the tender feelings of he who thou didst share a bunk with.

Behold, my brethren, I say unto thee, have we not established norms to the contrary? Have we drifted so far from that which doth entice us to live in harmony one with another?

Oh, how my heart longeth to return to a state of contentment, flourishing in times of abundant laughter at videos of the YouTube and hugs of the order of the bro.

Yea, it is not so at this time, and the evil one laughs at our messes and follies;

Therefore, awake! Awake my brethren of the order of 780E 620N! No longer neglect the rules of this abode, which sit as they always have on the corner of thy fridge, collecting dust as does your Strength of Youth Pamphlet of old.

Yea, moreover, I perceive that you have forgotten these laws which were meant to govern thee to prosperity and oneness. These, I will unfold unto you again, having obtained the content thereof from behind the hoard of engagement reminders that do haunt thy conscience on the daily, telling thee what thou hast neglected in favor of games of the video nature and frequent travels to Betos, that land of filth that enticeth thee even now.

Him that hath ears, may he listen! Him that hath homework, may he neglect it further! Him that continueth to play thy drums, cease such, for these words do cry from the dust.

The ten read as followeth:
1.     Ye have heard it hath been said by them of old that thou shalt not clean thy dishes; but I say unto thee that whosoever is found guilty of such is a friend of deceit and wickedness and in danger of hellfire.
2.     Agree with thine roommate on the channel which thou shalt watch, for they are not all those whom enjoy a Will Smith TNT special in the early afternoon, yea, they are few.
3.     Behold, it is written by them of old time that thou shalt not let thy snooze runneth more than once. But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh away from his snooze in thought hath already committed sin in his head.
4.     It hath been written that whosoever shall leave thy front door unlocked shall be put under condemnation. But verily, I say unto you, that whosoever doeth the same with the side door, are these not all paths into our home? Yea, they are, and must be locked, lest strangers be turned towards thy Frosted Flakes.
5.     Do unto your roommates ex as ye would have him do unto thine own. If ye are found to be in agreement over such, this is good, but it availeth a man nothing to swoop on his bro, lest he be cast down for his evil doings.  
6.     Again, it is written that whosoever shall participate in weekly cleanings shall be blessed and have his joys multiplied accordingly, while he who pretendeth to sleep on to avoid his shift shall be damned.
7.     By way of reminder, thou shalt not leave the heat on.
8.     Thou shalt not take thy roommates iPhone charger.
9.     Thou shalt not look on a roommates condiments in lust, but shall rather by them of his own accord, using his own coupons.
And in closing, be ye perfect, even as thou thinkest thy self to be perfect, and all will be well.

Abide by these laws, my brethren, that we may live in peace.

For knoweth not the man the dishes he hath not cleaned? How loveth a man the home he hath not vacuumed?

Go, my sons, and sin no more, that all may be well in the kingdom, and that we might tolerate the presence of one another until the close of April.


  1. We picked the same essay to imitate! You did a fantastic job combining humor with reality. I like how you pulled in scriptural tropes like irony, self-deprecating ethos ("I who am the least of you"), and brevity. I like that your essay was more concerned than Handy's about revealing scriptural tropes, rather than just telling a goofy story with scripture-y words.

    Also, my roommate left the heat on 75 degrees over Christmas break while we were all gone, so...I can relate.

  2. Awesome! ha ha I totally related to this post. I loved that it was humorous on many levels- a Mormon reader would connect to it in different ways than a non-religious college student, but all readers can connect to it still. Great work!

  3. Ditto to the previous compliments. Hilarious, relatable, and a great imitation. Clever to have Ten Commandments but use language comparable to the "higher law" from the Sermon on the Mount. I was especially a fan of the anachronistic inserts like iPhone chargers and the bro code.