To Be Blunt (and maybe a little whiny):

Trying to connect and share my writing with people outside my comfort zone was really frustrating. And the results were nil.

I had selected a few acquaintances and shared my writing with them through personal messages. I chose women that I don't know very well and whom I only interact with on Facebook these days, but I felt I would appreciate my writing and have good insights. For instance, one women is the mother of nine children, so I think she's a great person to share writing on the struggles of motherhood.

I was honest about it being part of an assignment, but I told them some of personal feelings and goals surrounding the assignment that would hopefully transcend my personal essay into something even better. And then I waited with a pounding heart.

Maybe I should explain something: I am a jealously private person. In fact, I feel my share-my-writing-outside-of-my-homies assignment as already been better than fulfilled through this blog. I've talked about some of my most vulnerable moments on this thing, and maybe I'm a big baby, but that's a big deal to me. I feel like I've stretched myself by what I've shared with the class, so maybe it was a little too soon for me to solicit personal, feedback from these aquantances.

When they didn't respond at all, I didn't take it very well. Instead I had my husband read my stuff again (not very creative there, I know, I could have least gotten my mom or something...), and he was good at giving me critical feedback.

I'm going to keep trying and pushing myself. But I'm just wondering if we can admit that we're all at different places with sharing our work, especially our honest, autiobiographical work, and forgive those of us who have not reached the ideal?

Feedback Fail: Round Two

So, unfortunately, this round of feedback was pretty much a fail for me. I posted two different short essays (one from devotional writing, and the other was the imitation essay I used for feedback round one). The devotional essays I posted just cause I wanted some feedback. I asked a specific person I thought would enjoy the content to give me feedback. No response. For the imitation essay, I asked someone I'm only just getting to know who commented in the first round of feedback. She said,

"Natalie, your words are so beautiful as always. And your specific example of your younger siblings were so emotion-provoking that I wanted to reject them. I hated that I could relate to it. (All these are because your writing is so good, btw.) One thing that made me confused a bit (until I had read the whole thing and then started over again) was that you used "loneliness" as the answer/topic, the first two paragraphs making the readers guess what you're talking about, but then you go into talking very specifically about your younger siblings, not just a general loneliness. I felt like there were sentences that were referring to general loneliness that everyone feels, but there were paragraphs that were specifically about your siblings. " It's loneliness, and I am really good at it." is such a bold one-sentence paragraph but it doesn't mention your siblings at all. So I'm still not 100% sure if you want the whole essay to be pointing to your siblings or not. I'm not sure if this makes sense to you. Maybe this was just me. But I still really loved how your words put images in my head and made me feel the love you have for your siblings. (also, sorry this is super long. I'm not very good at explaining myself.)"

I decided to revise by adding a short paragraph and one sentence that more quickly and definitively introduced the familial, if not sibling, concept sooner. I hope this will make up for the general tone of loneliness suddenly shifting into the specific sibling examples. I'm not sure though, because she hasn't responded. The revisions were fun, especially because they were feedback specific. It helped me feel like I was improving. But further feedback eventually would be swell also.

I'm Conflicted

Sorry this is so late—it took me longer to get feedback than I’d anticipated.

After expanding and revising my 500-word post “Working Alone” into a 700-word version, I took a deep breath and gave a general invitation to my Facebook friends (many of which I haven’t spoken to in years and a few I’ve never even met in person) to read and comment on my personal essay. One friend (who’d never read any of my writing before) gave several comments; some of them brought a smile, and others have me pretty conflicted.

One positive comment: “Paragraphs are different lengths, you varied sentence structure. All those things people usually forget, you didn’t. J” On the other hand, she’d noticed some grammatical errors. I can handle that—it’s easily fixed.

The comments having to do with content warrant more attention. The plus side: “I like the flow of the paper; the story. It starts off that it’s better to work alone, then you want to be with someone who never appears, and you realize that being alone is, let’s face it, lonely, and in the end you prefer company. It travels and develops.” But then she added, “[I]t’d probably be good to make this more apparent or transparent. Make that theme (if that is the theme) clearer.”

I dunno about this. On one hand, if my readers think something needs to be clearer, then maybe I ought to oblige. But I don’t want to be heavy-handed in my writing. Where’s the art in handing someone the moral of the story on a silver platter? One of my main goals in this essay was to depict the dichotomy of aloneness subtly but perceptively. So far, each of my readers (including the one who made the above comments) have caught this theme. Should I take that as a sign that I’ve made said theme clear enough, or do I need to grit my teeth and make some changes?

Thus I am reunited with one of the aspiring writer’s most troubling questions: “Must I place greater trust and priority in the thoughts of my readers than in my own?” 

just, whatever.

I’ll be honest. Basically, I’m the worst. I was out of town this past weekend and had no time to get this done. So, I failed. I ended up sharing my extended post with my mom and sister, which are technically homies, but they’re actually people I would share my writing less with than my friends who I had shared with before (that was awkwardly phrased...). The reciprocation was in the fact I was with them this past weekend for a trip to Seattle and they think it’s just a treat having me up there, so I paid for their feedback in gas money and 28 total hours of driving. I asked for more specific feedback as well, though they aren’t the most specific of people, so that came through in their responses. Anyway, here are the comments from my sister and then my mom:

I am not familiar with Debbie Frampton’s essay Letting Daddy Die. You skip around a lot... is that what she does? Sweat-sheened? With or without a dash? You paint a very vivid picture. Intense and honest. Honestly: I don't ever want to hear dad's 'pep' talks again. I don't remember anything positive about them. But it reminds me of Clueless when Cher is evaluating her friends and how her friend Christian is critical, but only because he wants everything to be perfect. Well done! Is that what you wanted from me?

I will write what I was going to say in the comments: so, I have to ask, are you still bitter? I think your story was well written, it doesn't say how much growth you experienced because of adversity but maybe it wasn't intended to. It ended on a kind of down note, I realize not everything in life is unicorns and cotton candy...I saw the scripture but you didn't reference how this helped you in any way. A good description of real life-I know, I was there.

So, that was fine. No one I’ve shared with seems to acknowledge my questions I ask in their feedback, even though they are in fact specific. But whatever, I guess. That’s kind of how I feel about the feedback I’ve gotten; just, whatever.

When You Don't Know Who is Responding

This experience of sharing my work publicly and looking for feedback on the ideas we have put forward resulted in a very interesting interaction. I posted a link to my "Second Waver" article and stated that it was an undeveloped idea and that I was open to hearing different ideas people had about doubt and faith. I received good feedback on Facebook (including one of my close friend's delivering the commentary I was expecting: "Look everyone! Nick's a Blogger!"), but the most interesting response was left on the blog page by someone I do not know. His response was lengthy, but here are some highlights:

"Thanks for posting this. It's honest and authentic. I've know for as long as I can remember that i don't believe. On my mission I found a way to believe but it involved twisting my mind in such a pretzel that I suffered from crippling anxiety attacks...

"I imagine the struggle of gay members to parallel mine. "If I just try hard enough, am perfect enough, God will fix me" I saw my doubt as an affliction to be healed just like some see their sexual orientation.

"8 years ago I stopped asking to "know the church is true" and tried a different quest. "Help me know truth". I saw this as the final ingredient. The "real intent". Maybe God never answered me before because I wasnt willing to leave if I found out it wasn't true. I found different truth. And a place to still my mind. It wasn't in the church. It was in objectivity and intellectual honestly. For me I finally found something I could "know". I could "know" I didn't believe...

"I don't presume that everyone else are closeted non-believes or delusional. I know so many men that I admire that are smart and articulate and moral and honest and authentic. They stay and say they believe. I believe that they do...

"I don't know why I wrote this. I guess your article seemed honest and real and gave me some hope that I'll be ok. thanks for sharing."

To me, this was an incredible response, and I was happy to have connected with the exact audience that inspired me to write this in the first place. I felt the pain of this good man's struggle against his logic and search for truth. So on the one hand, I think this piece has been successful in that it addresses an issue that is so real and deep for wonderful people who often feel like they live on the outskirts of their own community.

On the other hand, I do hope that I can find a way to connect these thoughts to faith promoting thoughts more effectively. I don't mean to change people necessarily, as this issue is an exclusive ordeal between an individual and God, but I would love to be a resource for faith.

Asking for specific feedback helped, as well as revising my writing and reaching out to "non-homies," but this experience has made me want to be a better thinker and writer for the sake of people looking for relief through reading. This was a powerful experience for me.

Friends of Friends

When I first heard about this assignment I knew it was going to be hard for me. I'm not an overly social person and talking to strangers is way outside my comfort zone. So I asked Megan, a friend from high school who also happens to be in this class, if she would help me find someone to give me more feedback on my previous post, "Being an Aunt." Megan asked her roommate and this is the response I received:

As far as writing style goes the beginning was a little confusing, had a few too many details and "hers/shes". That said, I loved the post! Being an aunt is truly wonderful. I have to keep fighting the irresistible urge to steal away the newest toddlers in the family. Also, being the youngest, I never grew up with children around and so when I get to see my nephews and nieces I'm pretty sure I spend 90% of the vacation fawning over them. They're so precious and adorable. Great post and cute picture. :)

I definitely agree with what she says about the beginning being confusing. It doesn't connect with the overall topic of the post and was included simply because, for this assignment, I was writing a journal entry. I need to find a better way to begin this post, something like a story about when my nephew was born or an experience I've had since becoming an aunt.

I also really enjoyed reading about Megan's roommate's experience with being an aunt herself. I totally relate to the desire to steal the toddlers away and I spend most of my time at home playing with my nephew as opposed to visiting with family.

I liked connecting with someone about something we both could relate to, being an aunt, and I liked learning more about someone else's experience in that regard.

Sharing "The Helping Hand"

Last week, I shared by essay "The Helping Hand" with anyone on Facebook who was willing to read. I had done this before with my own personal blog so sharing on social media wasn't foreign to me.  I have also done some individual sharing before but mostly with family members.  Specifically asking someone outside of my family to read my writing was a little intimidating.

I had a really close friend my last year of high school and we went through a lot of ups and downs together.  Once I came to BYU, we slowly drifted apart due to distance, disagreements and such. Yet, in the past few months I have tried really hard to reconnect.  For the past few years my friend has struggled with the church, girls, family, etc. and I have felt impressed to offer my support lately.
He will soon be starting school and often asks me about my classes.  This weekend I told him about this class, Latter Day Saint literature, and asked if he would read my essay and offer some feedback. I asked him to consider these aspects:

• what did you like/dislike about the story?
• What did you like/dislike about the writing?
• What are some suggestions to make this essay better?
• Did the religious aspect seem out of place, abrupt or not thoroughly explained

Here was his response and I was very surprised and thankful for his honest answers:
His compliments:

I loved the humor throughout, it definitely kept me interested.  Your voice comes through and I liked the imagery you used (the Egyptian princess was especially good).  I thought it flowed well and the story really supported your main point

His suggestions:

I think there is a better way to end your entry than "Another girl lied down on the dirt path and began picking her headstone".  I think this particular quote could have place somewhere else in the body of your essay but I think right at the end kind of takes away from your point sort of muddling the closing.

As for "Maybe I am overreacting but that's how it felt at the time", it seems like an unnecessary addition. I feel like you sold the agony of the hike so well and with such good imagery, if you say something like that its like your admitting you are not sold on how tough it was yourself.  You have to own it.

He has never like writing and I remember editing some of his English papers in high school.  I enjoyed seeing how the roles reversed and hearing the great advice he had to offer.  The suggestions he gave wouldn't have crossed my mind.  I thought my ending was clever and didn't realize how it might detract from the essay.  I thought my line about overreacting added to the humor but rather it seemed to have taken away from my experience.  Overall, this was a good building block for my ability to share with others and also a good building block for a friendship being rekindled.

The Learning Curve

This assignment turned out to be a bit more challenging than I had anticipated. I found it difficult to get in contact with people that I didn't know very well and to get good solid feedback from them. I tried three different methods of contacting people to review my essays, all with little or no success.

1. The first idea I had was to connect with people that I didn't know at all but that I knew had similar interests in the topics I had written about. Before my mission, I joined a Facebook group called "Many Are Sisters," a kind of sister missionary online support group where potential sisters could post questions about missions and meet other sisters who had served/would serve in their mission. It is a great way to reach out to other sister missionaries. I posted a link to my post about learning a new language on my mission and asked my fellow sisters to comment. Immediately I got several likes and a few comments, but nothing substantial. I learned that you have to ask people specifically, by name, and not just post a general request if you want people to respond. Good thing I decided to try another approach.

2. This time I tried networking through people to find other people with common interests or experiences. Hillary and I looked for people to share each other's posts with. This time I got a response and I really appreciated it. Hillary's sister commented on my post about receiving the news of my brother's cancer. She had had a similar experience and I appreciated what she said about it:

I absolutely agree with everything that's already been said. You have a great way of making me feel like I'm there with you in each of these pieces; but I felt like they all ended rather abruptly. I want to know more! I understand that sometimes writing past this point, especially in the piece about your brother, can be HARD, but it is always worth it to keep moving forward. Lindy (Hillary's sister).

This helped me recognize exactly why I don't want to continue with that blog post, but why it might be good to keep going anyways.

3. As a final attempt to get more feedback, I tried emailing a friend from high school who is a very talented aspiring writer. She has sent me many of her manuscripts of stories that she's tossing around. I have loved exchanging stories with her and getting feedback. Unfortunately, she has thus far been unable to respond.

Even though I didn't get the feedback I was hoping for, I found that I learned a lot from this experience. Next time, I would like to ask specific people specific questions to get a more specific answer (if any of that made sense!).

Critiquing "Frontier"

In an attempt to break out of my “inner circle,” I decided to share a post with someone I haven’t seen since high school, when we worked on the literary magazine together. Her name is Brianna and she’s a senior now at Elon University. She’s a remarkable writer—about to publish a novel, actually—and I haven’t seen her in almost seven years.

          I asked her to read “Frontier,” the post that I wrote for our three mini-essays assignment. This time, I offered specific questions that she could think about in her response.

1. What does this post make you think about?
2. Which stylistic choices do you like? Which do you dislike?
3. What could I do to make the writing more polished?
4. Was any part of the post confusing or difficult to follow?
5. What does this post tell you about me?
6. What does this post tell you about Mormons?

          In return, she sent me two pages of reactions and advice. I was stunned. I had no idea she would be so thorough for this assignment, nor that her advice would be so specific and concrete. I wish I could copy and paste the whole thing onto this post, but instead I’ll point out some of the major tenets of what she said:

      She appreciated specific things. In particular, she liked “moments of elegance” in my writing, especially since most of my writing is so colloquial. She pointed out lines that she was “obsessed with,” and told me how they made her feel, and what they provoked her to wonder about/ask. 

      She suggested that I reverse the order of the essays. I hadn’t even considered this as an option, since I had just written the essays in the order they were assigned. But Brianna made me realize that the essays do connect to each other, and thus the order that they are in is an important part of the experience reading them. The stories in them, she noted, are reverse chronological—putting them in reverse order would thus build chronologically as well as emotionally.

      She noted specific technical flaws. Since writing is so personal/subjective, casual critics almost never do this. But there were verbs in my essays that were trite, stylistic choices that were confusing, and moments that could have been made more specific. Brianna noted all of them, and offered examples of how to fix them.

In short, her help was just what these essays needed. Everything really synergized for her critique of this essay: the fact that we haven’t seen each other in a while (and she doesn’t know as much about me as closer readers), my specific questions, her literary expertise, and her honesty in critiquing.