Homeless but Hopeful

Physical Experience

The sound of the hose running reminds me of the intricate cities I used to make in my oversized sandbox at home. We would set the hose up and the water would begin on a mountain on one side and wind its way through the entire canal-like system we built. Many moments of my childhood were centered on this sandbox that my father had made for me when I was very young. It was the only thing that connected me to home when we moved across the country from Colorado to Florida. I had to leave my sandbox behind, along with everything else that was familiar to me.

The only redeemable thing I found about Florida was the fact that my sandbox had just gotten bigger. I hated the weather, I hated the people, I hated everything about the move, but when we were at the beach it felt like the world was my sandbox. The grains of sand running through my fingers, swishing between my toes. The smell of wet sand as I molded it into cities, each more grand than the last.

Scenes

We’re sitting in a circle on the floor of the church gym. Close, but not touching. It’s loud outside as people collect their children while mothers chat and fathers joke. Inside the gym it’s quiet, almost eerily so, other sounds fading completely into the background. We’re young, ranging in age from seven to nine, and there’s at most six of us. We wait in anticipation as someone stands in the corner and shuts off the lights. Everyone is tense, waiting for the slightest shift in the air, no one daring to breathe. Then suddenly a squeal erupts from one of the younger girls and sets of a cacophony of screams. The lights flicker back on and we look at each other with wide eyes.

“I felt it.” A timid voice says.

Agreement is heard from several others. Panicked that there really were evil spirits lingering around we stood and raced out into the safely of the hallway, away from all thoughts of devilish hauntings. Safe and sound until we dared each other to do it again the next week.

Speech

I hear the sound of my father’s voice as we prepare to sit down to dinner with the elders. It’s deeper than average, and wavers a bit in tone as he tells a story. His animated voice carries into the kitchen, making all pause to listen. His animated nature draws people to him, without even being aware of it.

I hear his voice as he sings softly during church, avoiding drawing attention to himself but wanting so badly to be a part of the music. His voice does not match perfectly with the rest of the congregation, but it does not stand out.

There are words he does not pronounce right. Certain sounds that make him sound like a child learning to read. Silent letters and weird shifts in tone mean nothing to him. His deafness completely changes his entire communication process.

Emotion in the Moment

I remember being happy. It was a normal day, it was even a bit brighter than most.

I remember the excitement I felt at going out to dinner. The ancicipation that had been building all 

week.

I remember being impatient, wanting it to be time to eat already.

I remember the excitement as I rushed up the stairs at the sound of my mother’s scream.

I remember the fear I felt. The confusion. The distress.

I remember calling my sister, trying to explain the situation as best I could. My phrases were broken up and my heart was lodged firmly in my stomach.

I remember the fear I felt when I had to explain to her that they were taking dad to the hospital. The panicked feeling when I couldn’t get the words out to explain.

I remember the anger I felt when she didn’t understand.

I remember feeling like I was all alone. I felt more afraid then I’ve ever felt before in my life.

I remember feeling empty. Knowing before they said anything that he was already gone.

I remember the haunting feeling of sleeping in my house with someone missing from the picture.

People of Consequence

In my life I have met several select individuals that stand out in my memory. I have a bad habit of running around downtown when I get overwhelmed with emotions. Doesn’t matter the time or the place, it’s my only way to find relief.

On one particular occasion I had been running for almost an hour when I tripped and fell. I just sat there on the sidewalk for several minutes, unable to pull myself up and keep moving.

Suddenly I heard a voice. I didn’t believe they were talking to me so I ignored it. Again I heard them. 

They didn’t say they anything important, just asked how I was.

At first I was annoyed because obviously I was not doing well, but then I looked up and saw this man who was obviously not doing well in life.

He was dressed poorly, with rags and he appeared to not have showered recently. He was someone that I often would go out of my way to avoid when I saw them on the street, and yet he didn’t hesitate to come up to me. In fact, he was the only one who stopped.

He said a few words to me and we had a brief but inspiring conversation. His final words to me were, “keep your head up hun, the world is a piece of [crap] but you can find the beauty of it when you look.”

This man who I met by chance and have never seen since, he had more of an impact on my life than almost anyone else I’ve ever met.