1 In my lap: my scriptures, opened to Alma chapter 34. Next to me: my missionary companion, Elder Gregg. Across from me: the 70 year-old non-member husband of an active LDS church member, Jim. Listening, to the side, is Jim's wife, and another church member who accompanied us. My companion soldiers on, asking Jim some probing questions about baptism. We had previously been discussing baptism and how it's necessary for salvation. He disagreed, feeling that he had already been doing pretty well in life saw no need to do change anything about it now. This prompted Alma 34.
" I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed."
This made logical sense. He doesn't think he needs to repent and change, and here's a scripture saying just the opposite. If I'm being prompted by the Spirit, and I share it with the Spirit, this just might be what he needs. So why aren't I sharing it? I see Jim looking back at us. 70 years of experience to my 21. 70 years of hard work, heartache, joy, accomplishment--he had fathered and grandfathered a wonderful family, whose pictures were displayed all around us. 70 years of making good decisions and seeing the fruits of them. Who am I to tell him he must change? Something's holding me back. Jim was a stubborn man. In our last visit his wife told him his baptism was nothing but a warm bath. He didn't take that too well. I don't imagine he'll respond any better to being told he's about to die and should probably consider making some changes. Maybe the Spirit's telling me now that I shouldn't share that scripture?
My companion notices my scriptures open and gives me a look, as if to say "you have something to share?"
I don't.
I close my scriptures.
I'll never know what would've happened had I shared it. Maybe nothing. Maybe he would've just brushed it off. Maybe he would've felt it was true. I don't know. But something about it didn't feel right that time, and that's all I can conclude it with.
2 The Savior said it best:
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
Up until that moment I hadn't considered what this scripture should mean for me. Up until that point I could talk your ear off when it came to film or sports. I was passionate about those things. I had just talked at length to a nice lady about both of those things, based on her similar passion for them.
But faith? Repentance? I couldn't give nearly as much lip service to them as anything else I had said that day. For so long I had let the church become less than a passion. I did not treasure it the same way I did sports and film. I should be able to speak volumes about gospel topics and what they've meant to me. But I couldn't, and he knew that. That's why he shared that scripture.
Since then I've tried all I can to treasure the gospel and put my heart into it--to make it a passion. I've been rewarded immensely, seeing the blessings of my increased devotion on a daily basis. He shared the scripture that I needed to hear, but the Savior said it best.
3 Understandably nervous and perhaps a little anxious, I got on my knees and gave my first personal prayer in nearly 6 years. I was done trying to get by with what I had reasoned in my head. I was done telling people I was over the church without having actually tried to find out if it was true. I had denied God's existence in my head over and over yet I had never tried to actually prove it. So there I knelt, immature in my experience with prayer, throwing up a white flag and hoping for answer.
I can best describe what I felt by saying that there was nowhere else on Earth I would rather be than right there at the foot of my bed. I knew, almost without prompt, that I should've done that a long time ago. I had spent so much effort pushing Him out but I had never let Him in. I still wasn't sure if the LDS church was true--that would come much later. But I at least knew it was good. Good to me, good to my family, good to millions of others. There was something there in the LDS church that couldn't be ignored. Starting from that moment, I needed to find it.
" I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed."
This made logical sense. He doesn't think he needs to repent and change, and here's a scripture saying just the opposite. If I'm being prompted by the Spirit, and I share it with the Spirit, this just might be what he needs. So why aren't I sharing it? I see Jim looking back at us. 70 years of experience to my 21. 70 years of hard work, heartache, joy, accomplishment--he had fathered and grandfathered a wonderful family, whose pictures were displayed all around us. 70 years of making good decisions and seeing the fruits of them. Who am I to tell him he must change? Something's holding me back. Jim was a stubborn man. In our last visit his wife told him his baptism was nothing but a warm bath. He didn't take that too well. I don't imagine he'll respond any better to being told he's about to die and should probably consider making some changes. Maybe the Spirit's telling me now that I shouldn't share that scripture?My companion notices my scriptures open and gives me a look, as if to say "you have something to share?"
I don't.
I close my scriptures.
I'll never know what would've happened had I shared it. Maybe nothing. Maybe he would've just brushed it off. Maybe he would've felt it was true. I don't know. But something about it didn't feel right that time, and that's all I can conclude it with.
2 The Savior said it best:
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
Up until that moment I hadn't considered what this scripture should mean for me. Up until that point I could talk your ear off when it came to film or sports. I was passionate about those things. I had just talked at length to a nice lady about both of those things, based on her similar passion for them.
But faith? Repentance? I couldn't give nearly as much lip service to them as anything else I had said that day. For so long I had let the church become less than a passion. I did not treasure it the same way I did sports and film. I should be able to speak volumes about gospel topics and what they've meant to me. But I couldn't, and he knew that. That's why he shared that scripture.
Since then I've tried all I can to treasure the gospel and put my heart into it--to make it a passion. I've been rewarded immensely, seeing the blessings of my increased devotion on a daily basis. He shared the scripture that I needed to hear, but the Savior said it best.
3 Understandably nervous and perhaps a little anxious, I got on my knees and gave my first personal prayer in nearly 6 years. I was done trying to get by with what I had reasoned in my head. I was done telling people I was over the church without having actually tried to find out if it was true. I had denied God's existence in my head over and over yet I had never tried to actually prove it. So there I knelt, immature in my experience with prayer, throwing up a white flag and hoping for answer.
I can best describe what I felt by saying that there was nowhere else on Earth I would rather be than right there at the foot of my bed. I knew, almost without prompt, that I should've done that a long time ago. I had spent so much effort pushing Him out but I had never let Him in. I still wasn't sure if the LDS church was true--that would come much later. But I at least knew it was good. Good to me, good to my family, good to millions of others. There was something there in the LDS church that couldn't be ignored. Starting from that moment, I needed to find it.
I could really feel a theme of personal struggle through each of your writings, I felt like each experience was shared really honestly and sincerely without trying to dress it up or downplay it either.
ReplyDeleteThe scene you established in the first experience was very vivid and familiar to most I'm sure that have served missions. The fear of teaching people much older than you is real. We always focus on the spiritual highs of a mission, bit they can only come about after the tough times where we are humbled and learn to truly rely on the lord.
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