Personal Essay Practice

Inner Struggle:

     Tainted and flawed. How can I ever move on? How can I ever forgive myself? Chest pressed and throat clogged. They say that time heals all wounds, but how can it fix this, when it is constantly in my mind? Resurfacing and resurfacing. What I did, replaying over and over and over. I can’t move on. Perhaps He has forgiven me, but I know I will not be able to forgive myself. How can I when it’s always there, engraved in my mind?

    They say that time heals all wounds. I never really believed that, until it did. The pain is still there. It will always be there. But now I can breathe. There is no longer a weight on my chest or that constant lump in my throat. Time heals all wounds, but it was not only time that I needed so I could forgive myself. The pain has been soothed, my mind calmed and reassured, my heart peaceful and filled with gratitude. If I can trust that God can forgive this horrible thing that I did, then how could I not forgive myself and move on? Of course, it was not as easy as that. I fought. Constantly, I fought myself:

I have to move on—you don’t deserve to move on—I’m okay, He wants me to be okay so I should forgive and move on—how can you pretend it never happened?—It’s not that, I just need to be better and I can’t if I don’t forgive myself…    

They say time heals all wounds. I believe it’s true, but I would add that Time and God heal all wounds.

Scripture, Personal and Powerful:

     “I cannot do it. I cannot do this anymore. I’m tired. And it’s hard, it’s just so hard.”

How many times have I thought these words to myself? Too many times to count. When struggling in classes, when trying to overcome bad habits, when going through pain and suffering. Always the same words: “I cannot do this anymore.” And sometimes I let myself wallow in this misery, thinking that maybe I should just give up. Why try if it’s always going to be this way? Why try? .... Because if I endure it well, God will exalt me on high… “thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if though endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; though shalt triumph over all thy foes.”

After remembering that, it’s not so easy to give up or to say that I don’t care. “Peace be unto thy soul.” That is exactly what I feel each time, and after that things are not one hundred present solved, but they are better.